July 25, 2020

Joy.

I am awkward.

I have never been great socially, and that causes me a lot of anxiety. I panic about social situations, meeting new people, and any kind of gathering. I tend to withdraw or decline invitations, and eventually I stop getting invited, which leads to further panic.

I have not thought of myself as someone with a lot of friends since high school. I have friends I see every once in a while. Friends I talk to when something big happens. Friends I text a lot but almost never see. My anxiety brain often asks me, “Does that even really count as having friends?”

I’ve let myself fall into this narrative that I am just not someone with friends. I am super close with my family, so that’s okay. Some people get good families, some get good friends, and only the lucky few get both. I’m just not that lucky.

But then this thing happened where I quit my job and wrote a blog about it, and so many people reached out to me. They asked how I was feeling and told me they were happy for me and told me they’d miss me. They joked with me and felt for me and supported me.

My anxiety brain was confused by this. Why are they doing this? You didn’t even ask them to. Some of them you haven’t even talked to in a while. Some of them you only know online for goodness sake! This feels weird.

But my heart thought: This is friendship.

I have so many people who love me and care for me and support me. People who think of me when I’m not around. People who notice when I go dark. People who share themselves with me and want me to do the same. People who want to know my thoughts and feelings. Even if we only talk through text. Even if we only talk when something big happens. Even if we only talk every once in a while.

This season is big for me. And I can feel my people crawling out of the woodwork to support me through it.

And that’s friendship.