July 28, 2020

Guilt.

What, what?

I am four days into being an official stay-at-home-mom. I have not checked my district email in days (only every once in a while to see if it still works), and my brain is confused.

Shouldn’t I be planning something? Shouldn’t I be setting something up? Shouldn’t I be doing trainings, answering emails, worrying about…something?

You know that feeling where you feel like you’re missing something but you can’t figure out what it is? I live there now. I am always trying to figure out what should be on my to-do list but isn’t.

I am a productive person by nature. I like to cross things off my list, and I place a lot of value in accomplishing tasks.

In the last four days, I have…
-Rearranged, organized, and decorated my new office
-Done laundry twice
-Emptied the dishwasher 3 times
-Taken donations to Goodwill
-Tidied my house 7,486 times
-And, oh yeah, kept my baby alive and happy (mostly)

But it doesn’t feel like enough. This is half of me. Usually I’m balancing this list with my Teacher To-Dos (which are always more extensive). But that is a non-issue now, and my brain doesn’t understand.

It’s not even like I have a ton of down time right now. I don’t sit around doing nothing all day, I’m just not checking things off. I don’t have projects that I can start and complete. There’s no clear cut ending.

My days all look a lot alike now.
-Wake up and get ready (for what?)
-Make breakfast for Lu and me
-Play for a while
-Go on a walk (sometimes)
-Do some chores
-Read (some days)
-Have lunch with Lu
-Play time
-Play again
-Play some more

I find myself constantly searching for things I could be doing, as if what I’m actually doing isn’t enough. I have to keep reminding myself that just because it doesn’t have a spot on a list doesn’t mean it’s not important. In fact, it is the most important. Doing life with my girl is the most important job I could possibly be doing right now. I know that in my heart.

I just need my brain to catch up.