Have you ever heard of the concept of The Default Parent? Basically, it is the emergency contact parent. Who is the school going to call if your kid gets sick? Who plans breakfasts and lunches for the kids? Who does the pediatrician recognize? Who remembers when appointments need to be made (and schedules them and remembers to show up with the kid)?

If you answered “me” to most or all of those questions, congrats. You are The Default Parent.

Welcome to the club.

Membership for the club includes: mental exhaustion, jealousy of the non-Default Parent, and a smidge of superiority.

Being The Default Parent is hard. And tiring. And, honestly, a bit annoying. Why does it fall on me? Why does no one expect Dad to remember appointments? Why do I feel the need to explain myself when I need a break? Why do I feel guilty taking time for myself and leaving Dad in charge? Doesn’t 50% of this human belong to someone else? Why do I feel like I’m doing 90% of the mental work?

Part of it is because taking care of this kid is literally my job. I guess that’s understandable.

Part of it is because I have a tendency to easily slip into the role of a martyr. Woe is me.

And part of it is because society shoves this role on women. As a teacher, if a kid gets sick in your class, which parent do you call first? When you see a kid acting out in public, I’m guessing your first thought isn’t “Where is this kid’s dad?”

We expect women to take on the role of Default Parent, and no one really talks about what mental effort that takes.

Sometimes it makes me so angry.

When my well-meaning husband says things like:
“She’s awake. Do you want me to get her up?”
“When is her next nap time?”
“I’ll feed her lunch today. What should she eat?”

I just want to scream, “WHY IS IT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO KNOW ALL THESE THINGS?!”

I want to jump in the car without giving any instructions and yell the old Tim Gunn aphorism as I screech out of the driveway: “MAKE IT WORK!”

And I know he would. Lu would be fine, and Husband would keep her alive and happy, and if anyone in the world found out, they would praise him for being such an amazing dad that he figured it out all on his own without me.

Even though that is what I’ve done every single day for the last year.

But no one cares because that is just an expectation. After all, I’m The Default Parent.