July 22, 2020

Let me start by saying this: I have never in my life had a desire to be a stay-at-home mom.

And yet, that is exactly where I find myself. I unexpectedly resigned from my job, and now I am facing a year at home with a one-year-old. Yesterday, I was a full-time teacher, and now I am a full-time mom.

I’m scared y’all.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter more than life itself. She is the light of my life, and I would move mountains for her. But I’m not sure I want her to be my full-time job. I have my own dreams and passions, and I’m afraid those might get drowned out in the coming year when I am 100% in charge of this other human (or is she 100% in charge of me?).

I’m trying to be very conscious of my feelings on this matter. As I was trying to decide if resigning was really the best option for my family and me, I practiced feeling my feelings. I felt them, then labeled them, then filed them.

Anger.
Fear.
Hope.
Fury.
Sadness.
Guilt.
Shame.
Worry.
Calm.
Disappointment.
Grief.
Hesitation.

I sorted through my feelings file and actively sought out the feelings that don’t serve me.

Anger.
Guilt.
Shame.
Outrage.

I laid them to the side because they do not get a say in the matter. Then, I looked at some of the feelings I had left.

Calm.
Acceptance.
Optimism.
Faith.

I used those to decide.

And then the decision was done, and the call was made. The forms were filled out, the files were transferred, and here I am now, a stay-at-home mom.

Now I’m working on reorganizing my feelings file because new ones keep popping up (like feelings tend to do), and there is one I keep coming back to.

Magic.

This time is filled with big changes, and that can lead to a lot of fear and uncertainty. But, it can also lead to greatness. In his book, The Minpins, Roald Dahl says, “Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.”

I have always been a believer in magic.

I’ve chosen to use this time of my life to seek out joy and light and wonder. I’m not going to let fear win. I can do hard, beautiful things.

This is The Magic Season.