I’ve struggled with relationships for a long time.

Pretty much since graduating high school, I have had a difficult time maintaining friendships. I long for a close group of friends, but can’t seem to make that happen for myself. I only have a couple of friends that I feel comfortable really being myself around, and even with them I’m only comfortable being some of myself.

Seven years in, marriage is still hard. Maintaining a daily relationship has proven to be much more difficult than I expected it to be.

I used to think my expectations were too high.
Recently, I started to consider that my expectations might be too low.

I think the reason relationships are so difficult for me is because I am always trying to put on a show. Trying to be who I think the other person wants me to be. Who they expect me to be. I’m trying to give them a version of myself that matches their hopes for who I am.

Because I don’t trust them enough to love me for who I am.
Because I don’t think they’ll want to love me that way I want to be loved.

After over a decade of trying to live life this way, I think I’m ready to be done.

Lately, I’ve been trying to express how I want to be loved instead of just accepting love the way people give it. It is so hard for me.

I’m not supposed to be an inconvenience.
I’m not supposed to take up space.

And the way I need to be loved feels counterintuitive sometimes. The other day, I was feeling frustrated and overwhelmed, and my husband kept coming out of his office throughout the morning to check in and see if there was anything I needed. Supportive, right? But honestly, it was driving me nuts. It felt like a burden to have to stop whatever I was doing when I was already overwhelmed to assure him that I could handle things. But like how do you say that to someone? “Please stop trying to support me in my time of need, because really your presence is making things worse.” That’s not the nice thing to say. And shouldn’t I just be grateful that he’s showing up? This is the way he’s trying to show me love. Shouldn’t I just accept it?

But I don’t feel like that mindset is serving me anymore (or that it ever did, really).

So that night (because I’m not quite ready to do it in the moment), I decided to ask for what I needed instead of just accepting what was offered. I said, “I know you were being supportive this morning when I was feeling overwhelmed. I appreciated that you wanted to help. I know this might sound weird, but something that would make me feel more loved and supported in situations where I’m feeling overwhelmed or frustrated like that is just to be left alone. It throws me off to have to keep stopping what I’m doing when you pop in to check on us, and that ends up making me feel more overwhelmed.”

And then I waited, sure he would be offended that I wasn’t accepting the love he offered.

And he said, “I can see that. I don’t want to make you feel more overwhelmed. Will you just text me or come get me if you need my help during those times?”

And I said yes.

And I felt heard.

And I felt loved.

I’ve tried doing this a couple of times since then, and it has gone just about this well every time. It is still not my initial reaction. I still don’t want to make people work harder in order to love me. It feels weird to have to ask someone to respond to me in a certain way. Selfish almost. But I’m going to keep trying, because I think it will be good in the long run.

That’s really the only conclusion I have because it’s still a work in progress.
I’m still a work in progress.

Aren’t we all?