I’ve decided that 2022 is The Year of Me.

I have not been the girl I hope to be in recent years. I became someone I didn’t intend to after letting myself sink deeper and deeper into the idea that I was trapped. Trapped by a pandemic, trapped by mothering, trapped by marriage. Trapped, trapped, trapped.

But really I have been trapped by myself. My expectations, my laziness, my mindset.
“I’m a mom, so I can’t…”
“I’m not someone who can just…”
“As a wife, I should be…”

But, guess what? I can do whatever I damn well please. It’s really just that simple.

So that’s what The Year of Me is going to entail. Doing what brings me joy, even if there’s no other reason for it. Finding ways to engage with the world around me in a way that feels true and bright in my soul. Creating a little sunshine just for me.

I’ve got big plans. I keep thinking maybe they’re too grand, and I should choose one thing at a time to focus on, but that thought doesn’t bring joy, so I dismiss it. I can do what feels good to me, and if what feels good is starting 37 new habits at once, that’s what I’ll do. Because who cares?

We are 7 days into January, and these are the things I have implemented or planned for so far:

I am waking up at 5:15 to exercise, get ready, and have Me Time every morning. And by “every morning,” I mean the mornings my Future Self convinces my Tired Self that it will be worth it to actually get up and do this. So at least 3 days a week. We’re calling that a win for now.

I am changing my wardrobe. I have been in a clothing slump ever since being pregnant and putting on baby weight (And fast food weight. And dessert weight.). I have been buying oversized sweatshirts in muted colors and wearing maternity leggings. Looking real snazzy. But I am someone who finds joy in clothes, so I am getting rid of the boring mess that is my closet and slowly adding in pieces that make me happy to put on. Bright colors, fun patterns, unique textures. I have approximately 3 exciting shirts in my closet right now, and I wore them all this week because that’s what my brain wanted me to do.

I am wearing lipstick. I love a bright lip, but convinced myself that it was weird to wear one around the house with two small children. Why bother? Well, because it makes me feel good. Do I really need any more reason than that?

I am journaling every morning. One of my personal goals for this year is to complete a prompted journal. I love the idea of journaling and writing, but have always convinced myself that it’s more trouble than it’s worth. I have a really cute habit of buying interesting sounding prompted journals, being so excited to look through them when the arrive, and then putting them nicely away on my bookshelf and never touching them again. Fondly remembering 7 minutes we had together before it was gone forever. In The Year of Me, I am going to finish (at least) one journal. I have been writing a couple pages each morning as part of my Me Time, and I love it very much so far.

I am going to therapy. Oh man, this was a long time coming, and I am so pleased. I feel like I finally found a therapist who fits with me, and I am getting so much out of it. It’s amazing what can happen when you start treating therapy like a therapy session instead of a lunch date with a friend who you are trying to impress. In the past, I’ve approached counseling under the impression that I need to receive a gold star for life and prove that I am not messy or unhappy in any way. But this year, I’m like, please buckle up, New Therapist, because I am about to throw my ideas and opinions all over the walls of this office, and maybe then I’ll be able to actually sort some of them out.

I am reading. I gave up social media for the month of January (or beyond? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.), and I am replacing the time I previously spent scrolling Instagram with reading books off the ongoing list on my phone of books I hear about and could possibly want to read someday when there is more time (not including the 3 hours that I have already devoted to looking at pictures online of people I barely know and never actually speak to). My goal is to read 12 books this year, because one book a month seems reasonable, and I am not someone who is a fan of making big goals and then not reaching them. So far I have read 1.5, and we’re only 7 days in!

I am being honest. Even when it’s ugly. Even when it hurts feelings. Even when I’m not proud of what I am thinking. I’ve found so far that getting the thoughts out of the tornado in my head and into the world calms the storm inside me enough to actually process some things.

I am staying in the present. This one is tough for me, but I am trying. I am sitting with things the way they are instead of planning for the next step, event, life. I am working very hard on not thinking, “Well, I will be happy when…” Because today is now, and I’d like to be happy then.

So far, things are going great. It does feel a little mid-life crisisy when I think about all the changes I’m attempting to make at once, but that’s fine. Maybe this is my bright red convertible sports car. If it continues to bring me joy, I’m perfectly cool with that. All I really want out of this year is to feel like the Me I want to be.