It was cute when I said I was going to start blogging again. I seem to do that with relative frequency. Decide on a whim that I am now a (blogger, minimalist, baker, etc…), announce it, and then lose steam and go back to being me without my new found identity.

But, I’m here now. So I guess that counts for something.

Life has felt really hectic lately. We’ve decided to move within the next several months, and ever since making that decision it’s seemed like one thing after the other has just been pushing us back. Like we are trying to swim but keep getting shoved down by waves.

For a while, I was trying to remain positive. Like yeah this situation sucks, sure, but it could be worse! At least we have enough money to cover it! At least we have a home to live in! At least it wasn’t our AC this time! But I think that was making me feel worse. I finally decided to just say this sucks and it is hard and I’m over it, and now I feel a little lighter. Like I’m at least not fighting against my feelings.

I do that in a lot of areas I’ve noticed. I am constantly pushing back on how I actually feel with how I’m “supposed” to feel. I announced I was going to write more, but then I didn’t because I didn’t want to (which is fine, it’s not like I owe anyone my thoughts), but then I felt guilty about that like I had an obligation to fulfill. I want to declutter my home, and part of me wants to dive in and get rid of everything we don’t use, and part of me feels bad about getting rid of things, and part of me feels like I am a bad wife/mom for getting rid of things, and part of me feels like I am a bad wife/mom for having this much crap in the first place.

I just never feel wholly at peace with my decisions,
or my thoughts,
or my feelings,
or myself.

I never know when to listen because I’m right or ignore because I’m wrong. Should I take a rest day from exercise because I am tired and overwhelmed? Or is that laziness? Should I be okay with being annoyed with my kids because they are at a hard age right now? Or am I a bad mom because I’m annoyed with them?

I am always fighting myself.
Honestly, it’s kind of exhausting.

My counselor told me to take notice of how my body feels when I am experiencing certain emotions. She said it is important to notice your thoughts and feelings, and your physical reactions to those thoughts and feelings because they all go together. Lately I have noticed that my brain feels like it is going a million miles a minute almost constantly. Like I am always chasing a thought that just got away. I feel overwhelmed, guilty, short of patience, frustrated with myself. In these times, my head feels like someone is squeezing it from all sides (something I had never noticed before I was told to pay attention), my chest feels like I had a half shot of adrenaline. Like when you narrowly avoid a car accident, but about half that strong.

I think I’m going to work on simplifying. Having a simple home. Having a simple schedule. Simplifying my to-do list every day. Simplifying the plans I make for the girls. Simplifying my reactions to events. Simplifying my social media and podcast consumption. There’s a lot of noise out in the world, and I don’t think I need to bring it all into my brain anymore.

So here’s to my next big announcement with an undetermined level of follow through. I am now someone who keeps things simple.

(Side note: autocorrect changed that sentence to “I am not someone who keeps things simple,” so I feel like I’m off to a great start.)