It’s getting me again.

It’s a little later this year than usual. I thought I might have made it through this winter without that familiar pull. Maybe this year I can be content. Maybe this year I can stay present.

Guess not.

It’s a weird, uncomfortable, fluttery feeling. When it comes to catch me, I feel a strong urge to run. To run away from these people and this place and this life. This isn’t what was meant for me. I took a wrong turn somewhere. I need to turn back time or do something new or just GET OUT OF HERE. It almost feels life or death, like I’m about to be attacked. What can I do to stop this? To save myself?

A telltale sign is that I start imagining other lives in my head. Things I might be doing and places I might be living and people I might know if I had taken a different route. Lives I might have if I had just not chosen this one. And then I start planning trips. How can I escape this life without blowing it up? Where can I go to exert some independence and remind myself that I’m my own?

It feels panicky. Like if I don’t get out of here now, I will be trapped forever. This is the trajectory of my life if I can’t make a change right this minute. And it’s not for me. This life is too drab, too bland, too empty, too lonely. I don’t feel inspired or joyful or engaged or excited.

And then, ever-present logic steps in. I can see myself from the outside. I’m watching myself spiral. I am able to remind myself that this feeling comes once a year. It is not new. It is not urgent, despite how it feels. It will pass, and likely, it will visit again.

But recognition is not the hardest part. I understand what is happening, but I still FEEL it happening. It feels like there is a person inside of me screaming and clawing and aching to get out, but I know she is not the whole me, so I just shove her into the closet and pretend she’s not there. Like I’ve decided not to trust her, so I just ignore her instead. Since she only cries out once a year, just cover your ears until she eventually quiets down. I know she wants to be heard, and part of me desperately wants to hear her, but another part of me says no. If things are as they should be, why is there a part of me who fights against it? But if things are so wrong, why does she only want to be heard at this time of year? How do I know who to trust?

I know running away isn’t what I should do. But man, wouldn’t it feel good to be wild for a while?