“You feel trapped because you are trapped.”

2021 was a year, y’all.

A whole terrible, wonderful, slow, quiet, screaming, angry, stifling, joyful, small, marvelous year.

Another year of covid. Another year of being a stay-at-home mom. Another year of no social outings, no dates, no movies, no unnecessary appointments, no seeing anyone without doing the mental gymnastics of safety.

Heavy.
Hard.
Lonely.

Another year of Luna. The first year of Livi. The loves of my life. Getting to see them learn and grow this year has been the most rewarding thing I could imagine. Learning how to be a mom to two girls is challenging and amazing all at once. I’ve never loved anything more.

A year of trying to find myself again. I am forever done with being pregnant and breastfeeding, so I have a feeling of regaining some control over my own body. I began therapy recently, so I am trying to find that same feeling of control with my mental health. Both are a process, but I feel like I’m at least heading in the right direction again.

I feel like I have both given up and gained a lot in the past year, and a lot of things were out of my control. I am learning to be okay with that. I am trying to focus on taking things as they come and doing what feels right in my gut. Figuring out what is really important in my little life. Balancing everyone’s needs and deciding when mine get to come first. Trying to become who I intend to be.

Feeling worthy of having thoughts, desires, needs, opinions that may not jive with other people’s is not something I have been fully capable of in many years. Having thoughts, desires, needs, opinions that do not mesh with who I feel like I am supposed to be has been even more difficult. The thing I look forward to most in the upcoming year is trying to erase the image of who I expect myself to be and start to figure out who I really want to be. Detaching from some habits that haven’t been serving my soul. Putting down some of the unnecessary weight I carried this year. Releasing myself from the traps I have chosen.

So, along with more practical resolutions like go to the eye doctor and get a haircut, and some more soul-brightening ones like get a new tattoo and start cussing, I have decided on my mantra for 2022. A phrase that I hope will serve me well in the upcoming year.

My promise to myself for the next 365 days is this:

I will not make myself small.
I will not make myself small.
I will not make myself small.